Pain Pain Go Away – I Don’t Want To Feel This Way

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Pain Pain Go Away – I Don’t Want To Feel This Way

14 years of love.

Through the eyes of a dog

14 years of friendship.

14 years of loyalty.

14 years of laughter.

14 years of you being an obnoxious, stubborn bully with a boat load of personality……..

…….. and now you are gone.

I cannot hold you.

I cannot kiss you.

I cannot smell your farts.

I cannot watch you smell your farts.

I cannot watch you drink out of the water fountain or eat the bunny poop – or yell at you for doing those thingsĀ ever again.

I will never need to make another homemade dog ear cleaner solution again.

I cannot watch you run side by side with your sister.

I cannot stand the pain I am feeling.

But I know you are running happy and free of pain and I am trying to find solace in that.

We knew it was coming, I thought I was ready and could handle it. I was really wrong. Your health had been declining. Your back legs were getting weak, your breathing becoming more difficult and you had more trouble controlling your bodily functions – I saw this all happening but yet still saw that big pittie smile and the will to live every day to its fullest.

Yesterday was different. You did not come in my office like you did EVERY other morning to lie beside me. You preferred to be alone. You did not go outside to do your business, instead choosing to go in the house because you could not make it outside. Then the throwing up started – and it was everywhere. Then it happened. You staggered to come to where I was, you fell – and you never got up. You were throwing up and peed and did not even attempt to get up. You began seizing. I began crying. I knew what was going to happen and I hated every minute of it.

I made you a promise. A promise that no matter how much it hurt me I would NOT LET YOU SUFFER – and I would NOT live you live a life that was filled with illness and pain.

Daddy got home from work just in the nick of time. He bundled you up and we raced to the vet.

The doctor had told me a few weeks ago that it could be 2 weeks – or 2 months, but he knew it would only be a matter of time. You turned 14 on August 1, 2015 – a good life span for a bully. I know I was blessed to have enjoyed a long life with you and your sister.

The doctor was waiting – he knew why we were there. I hugged you – I looked in those eyes that I looked in a million times before, but this time – you were not there. You were already leaving us – it felt like I was being punched.

Pit bull with Foster Kitten

In a few minutes it was over. I held you. I cried. I watched that last breathe leave your body.

Did I do the right thing?

Should I have tried to do more for you?

Were YOU ready to go?

I sure was not ready to let you.

I will never know what you wanted and hope as your mom I made the right choice.

I have never lost a pet or had to make a decision like this. I cry wondering if you think I did not love you because I let you go?

I am writing this 14 hours after watching you take your last breathe…….I am still crying.

The house seems so empty without your big personality.

You leave behind a sister who for 14 years was your shadow. She loved you and you were inseparable.

Watching her looking for you is heartbreaking. I only hope she does not “give up” on life with your absence – she is offering me so much relief during this, I cannot handle losing her right now too. But you two were a pair that had a special bond.

Smiley Riley

We had 14 amazing years together.

I remember the day we adopted you. We went to the MCSPCA so I could show daddy the cutest puppy ever that I wanted to bring home. We had just bought our first home – we did not even have furniture, I wanted a dog first! We kneeled down in front of the cage where you and 6 of your siblings were – and there you were filled with wrinkles and cuteness.

But then out of no where jumped a little red headed runt – she literally jumped into daddy’s lap.

Well, clearly you both made the decision for us and we left with 2 of the cutest pups ever. We had no experience and had no clue what to expect – but you were easy to love and eager to please – you were both an AMAZING addition to our family.

Ginger and Riley – welcome to the family.

As a puppy you enjoyed puppy day care, a big yard to play in and lots of kids to love on. When we had Rachel, you were so patient and understanding that we had a little less time for you and when we moved to a new home – you embraced it and settled right in. I will miss our walks to the ball field where I would let you both run free, your pain took that joy away years ago, but I hope you always remembered those times. I will miss throwing the ball in the yard and watching Ginger chase it while you would stand there and watch – I will miss the annoying way you just walked in front of me no matter where I was or how you ONLY needed a drink when we were doing the laundry and we were right in front of your bowl.

Did I mention how annoying you were? But I loved every single annoying thing about you – even if sometimes you pushed me to my limits and I yelled (and hell yeah I feel guilty about that now) – but sometimes we swear you did it purposely. My blockhead.

I will miss our snuggles and the way you did whatever you could to drive me crazy by doing things you KNEW you should not be doing, but “that was just Riley” we would say.

Because of you and your sister I developed a love for all things bully. I started CharityPaws as a way to give back to animals that do not have the love you do. You and your sister were the inspiration behind so much of what I do today – and for that I THANK YOU.

Your presence lit up a room. Your smile made me smile. Your love of life inspired me.

I know the pain will subside – but my love for you and the memories will never fade. You were an amazing example of a bully and reflected everything good the breed has to offer.

My love for you is eternal and the minute I get to rainbow bridge, I hope you are there waiting for me because man, do I need a hug.

Smiley Riley – you were so incredibly loved every minute of every day since the day we adopted you…… will be incredibly missed, but I know you are here with us forever.

……..until I love on you again.

Forever in my heart. Mommy…….

Jill Caren CharityPaws

Jill Caren

Jill is an avid animal lover who spends her time helping animal rescues by photographing homeless pets and through her work on CharityPaws.

She is currently owned by Cleo, an American Pit Bull Terrier and Snoopy Cat. Her inspiration comes from her girls Ginger and Riley (RIP) – pit mix sisters who were loved family members for almost 15 years.

You can find her on LinkedIn and Instagram.

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